Bass Caddy Blog

When I was a kid, my grandmother and I were poor. The only “presents” I ever received were clothes, and I got very few of those. When I got old enough to make my own way in life I made a rule:  “No clothes for any holiday. Only tools and fishin’ stuff - for all occasions.”  This is a great rule, ’cause I get what I want. (Sometimes)  Some members of my family don’t seem to grasp the significance of this rule, or choose not to play along. They think that because I have enough tools to rebuild an 18-wheeler that I have enough. (Ha, I say)

If you’re like me you lend your tools out only to “trusted” friends and family members and they never find their way home.  I have decided that this just means that your tool has chosen a new home. It decides that the new toolbox condo is much comfier than the old toolbox apartment they were stored in- it’s given itself a tool upgrade.  I can only guess that the oiling, cleaning and polishing they receive elsewhere is better than being stored dirty. To each his own. The screwdrivers are the worst defectors. Don’t they know that they’re supposed to be flexible about their uses? A screwdriver is the most multi-use tool available. Just because I use their points for prying and hammer on their handles doesn’t mean they should run away to places unknown.  Everytime I need one for a specific job it’s never around.  I would accuse my wife of loaning them to our kids (that’s what she does with everything else we have), but they’re definitely not mechanically inclined. At least the kids get the intent of my “tools and tackle” rule and keep replacing missing tools. Never in time for the job at hand, but eventually.

Now fishing equipment is another matter altogether. Again, everyone seems to think that there’s not a rod, reel, lure, hook, or worm that I don’t already have.  I don’t know why they think that just because I had to buy an entire shed to store my fishing equipment in that I have enough stuff. That’s just not so! If you’ve ever fished, you know how gung-ho all baits are. They LOVE their jobs. Throw anything in the water with a hook on it, including a bare hook, and it will grab stumps, grass, rocks  -anything to anchor itself, snap your line and stay in the water. The water is its home - it wants to stay there!  If the line hasn’t snapped your first impulse is to get your lure retriever and run it down the line and …yep! now they’re both stuck. Thirty dollars and change down the drain. Add two more items to the gift “wish list”. 

Reels are a whole ‘nother issue.  Somewhere in the reel rulebook it says that you have to take them apart and clean them on somewhat of a regular basis. Any “good” mechanic knows that when you take something apart and put it back together there are going to be spare parts left over. For some reason this never seems to work well with these items. As a reel (real?)  mechanic, you can’t walk into a fishing shop with what looks like a reel and a bag of spare parts and not expect a little ribbing. At my local shop they have gotten to where they not only laugh - they take pictures for their “Reel Rapist of the Month” competition - a title you don’t want to hold for several years running.  The good news is that if you do hold this title, you get a lifetime ten percent discount on reel repair. I now am up to a forty percent discount. Six more yearly titles and all my reel repairs are free. I just send in the kids with the reels now.

Rods, however, are by far the most important of all fishing items.  I find it interesting that you can’t use a reel without them, but you can use a rod without a reel.  Just tie the line to the rod tip and keep fishin’. I don’t know why, but all of my rods seem to have a death wish. When I flip the trolling motor over the front of the boat, six rods dive off with it.  I spend the rest of the day trying to fish up my rods with a DD-22 crankbait. I figure if I catch a few bass and at least three rods it’s a break-even situation as far as my fishing day has gone.  On the fishing deck, my rods seem to move around to where they are most in the way. Invariably, I’ve got a biggun’ hooked and fighting it back to the boat.  I move around the boat, keeping the fish out of the big motor in the back, I hear a pop, but keep moving. Pop! I move back to the front of the boat, keeping the fish out of the trolling motor prop, I hear another pop but keep cranking, the fish is still on!  “Man this fish is huge, get the net, babe.” I hear another pop as my wife nets the fish. It’s the fish of a lifetime! A surefire money-winning fish. High-fives, and if you fish with your wife, big hugs-and-kisses, all around!  (Warning, if you fish with a buddy, don’t try the last part.)  Anyway, after carefully removing the hook and gently, but reverently placing the beauty in the livewell, I grab up my rod to make the next cast. Oh crap, my one-piece medium heavy fast action rod is now a three-piece “warranty-doesn’t-cover-it-because-you-stepped-on-it” tomato plant stake.  Not just three tomato plant stakes, but nine!  Yes, the three rods you fished out of the lake yesterday have given their lives (or at least their backbones) in remorse for their lost friends.  I sit down and tear up.  I think to myself that at least I have an hourly winner, so I can replace my stuff.  When I tell my wife this rationalization, she brings reality cruelly to light.  “Honey, you lost about $5000 worth of equipment in two days.  The best you can do on an hourly prize is $500.  You’re in the hole $4500.”  Oh well.

For today I quit

Okay, I give, dog and cat fishin may not be the best way to keep your skills up.  So, after hard thought I think I’ll try fly fishin.  I hear it’s relaxing but extremely hard to master.   Real finesse is necessary to catch and land your prey. I had Lasik a few years ago, so my eyes should be able to handle the size.  I know there is much to learn and surely lots and lots of new equipment to purchase.  As with any guy, that just makes taking up the sport more attractive.  I’ll need at least a new rod and reel (unsure what type), waders, a really small net, one of those little baskets and a hat with baby hooks stuck in it.  Since I don’t know of any fly shops around here I guess it’s off to Academy, I’ve heard they have everything you need to do any sport. I understand true fly-fishermen have supplies, including string and feathers -cause you have to tie your flies. This seems weird to me since I’ve never had to tie a bass up with feathers and such. Sounds rather kinky to me.  Oh well, in for a dime in for a dollar.  I also don’t understand the part of slingin’ the hook back and forth all the time.  Maybe the flies are so quick you have to keep movin’ to get a hit.  Seems as though you would get wore-out pretty quick.  Those folks must work out a lot.  (This may require more thought).  I do know that bass fishin’ is not near as demanding physically. (Thank God)  Yet another issue just struck me. Why do all fly fishin shows happen in beautiful babbling mountain streams?  Unless there is a dead carcass around:  where do the flies come from?  Maybe they shoot something when they get there.   Or maybe they carry road kill in that little wicker basket.  That would explain why the mountain roads are always so scenic; no dead animals. If  they do kill something, what licenses are required ?  Driving (for road killin’), hunting, fishin’ ,combo, or a special fly license?  I’ll check into that after I talk Terri into letting me spend the money on the equipment.  I’m sure she’ll go for it as she seems to hate flies on principle.  I’ll use that argument for sure.

Back to the attractant, I know I pull plenty of flies on a hot summer day after mowing the yard.  Maybe I should bottle and sell sweat attractant.  There seems to be a lot of attractants out there on the market, but I’ve never noticed any fly attractant.  Guess we bass fishermen thought of the whole attractant thing ourselves.  Maybe I really should help the ol’ fly fishermen out and let them in on our little secret.  I need to careful about just up and bottling my sweat, ’cause it could be the smell of freshly-mowed grass that’s such a sure-fire lure.  I’ll have Terri research that.  I don’t want to look foolish on this new undertaking.

On the dog and cat blob, I had some concerns about plant damage and the cost of replacing those plants.  With fly fishin’ that concern is not there.  I can use this logic to insure the purchase of above-mentioned equipment. (Yep, always plan guys) .  I’m estimating the cost of set-up is  somewhere between a thousand and ten thousand dollars. This depends on the size of the hat you have to buy.  I’m sure  after “discussing” it, Terri will tell me to get a 99-cent fly swatter and accomplish the same thing.  I do need some help.  What is the world record for flies?  And how do you mount ‘em after you catch em?

For today I quit.

When I wrote “Dog fishin’”,  I thought I would get a few responses, but man, I didn’t expect as many as I received.  Now really, I don’t think anyone would actually think that I would do that to a dog.  Now that I’ve thought about it, I truly think the whole procedure would work better with a cat.  They seem to be more agile and would produce more of a fight.  They also have the ability to climb back over the fence when you have an errant cast. Of course it’s hard to pull them back over if they get the ball.

I just had a brain storm. Remove the hooks from your favorite topwater frog or rat and this would be a more realistic setting for practicing topwater fishing.  And if you think about it, cats are much easier to net than Milly or Mudslide (the aforementioned 80 Lb. labs).  Dang, I wish I had a cat. 

Diana, I hope you read this because the situation that you encountered yesterday would have been perfect to try and catch the Siamese cat you were after.  Had I thought quickly enough, I could have loaned you a rod and reel, a topwater rat, and a net.  How did your cat-wrangling go anyway?  I’m a true believer in “work smarter not harder”.  You looked pretty funny squatted down, calling, “Here baby”, in your soft voice.  It would have been much easier on you to have the right equipment to catch that Trophy Siamese.  Better luck on your next wrangling expedition.

For today, I quit.

I didn’t post yesterday due an all-day doctor’s appointment during which I was poked and prodded in every area you can imagine. No drinks were included. The only thing I currently suffer from is fishing withdrawal. The second week of February takes care of that. The boat is good to go and I sniff all the dyes and pork trailers so I don’t loose my touch and reaction time. One whiff of that stuff and you remember how to jerk away real quick. Speaking of jerk - can’t you just see yourself settin that hook on the first fish of the year? I can hardly wait.

Dog Fishin:

Now I know some of you may get offended, but try it first and see how it helps you. You need an 80 Lb. lab (labrador retriever, not chemistry lab), one rod and reel, and a tennis ball. The size of line is dependent on how you want to hone your skills. The lighter the line the more finesse you must use to get them in. The dog thinks you are playing tug of war when you’re actually learning that gentle touch to land the biggun’. DO NOT USE BRAID LIKE THE PROS AND SKIM THE DOG ACROSS LAWN OR VICE VERSA — THAT HURTS! Also be accurate on your cast so it doesn’t go over the fence. Dog brakes are not what you would expect. Also the wife gets unhappy. Oh yeah! If the wife has nice plants in the yard be prepared to run or cut the line depending on your current conditioning. Damaged plants are a sure-fire way to spend money and energy replacing said plants. Don’t try the excuse that the dog did it. This will get you shut out of the house with the dogs. Do not try this with dogs under 20 lbs. Most yards have a slot and these dogs must be placed back in the owner’ lap prior to landing. The only good  that comes with this is, the neighbors don’t show up with their yappy little dogs anymore. If you follow the rules; there are hours of fun to be had. I don’t think there is a license required to do this but I purchase new dog tags every year so hopefully I have the situation covered.

This is fishin show Friday so I’m really busy. Also I can’t type and pay attention to all the lastest tips at the same time so (here it comes).

For today I quit.

(Note from the adult on this website.  This rant is totally fictional. Any resemblance to real events or persons is totally coincidental. Also, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!) - Dr. Terri